If you are looking for an overabundance of Cayden Pictures, stop right here. If you are looking for some wit, you aren't going to find it in this post. This is a real post fueled by hormones (anyone left?). I am choosing to sort out my feelings through blog as I am sure I am not alone. I am choosing to put my personal struggles out for everyone (all of you, four perhaps?) to see hoping for someone else to say...ME TOO!!! If not, I suppose this will hopefully hold me accountable and this will be the start of forever personal change for the good.
I must first state that I love where I am on the outside. I love that I am confident in my career, happy that I have a sweet, smart and healthy 15 month old and a caring, supportive husband who is an amazing father, a cute little dog and a nice enough house. We have what we need, we are loved and supported by friends and family and we have our health. Couldn't ask for more.
HOWEVER, taking a closer look at me...I am struggling with myself. I have always felt the need to strive for perfection and do whatever I can for the people I care about and I thoroughly enjoy it. Put me in charge of a party, it will probably be overdone. Have you over for dinner, it might be more than necessary. Give you a gift and you can count on a lot of thought and research went into finding the best. Anyone remember me prior to 2007? Anyone remember the girl that flew by the seat of her pants and always had an entertaining story because of it? Anyone remember the thought of moving to Chicago and a month later there I was with a truck full of belongings, a bag full of hope and nothing nailed down to make this happen but complete trust in the unknown? Simplicity is still not in my vocabulary but now causing my personal demise.
My new crazy dream is to walk my THIN body out of my clean and organized house to Barnes and Noble to enjoy a coffee and a book alone. But here I sit with fat thighs on a computer sitting atop of pizza crumbs with a child crying because the dog is trying to steal his Honey Stick. Since 2007 (and honestly LONG before it), I find it so easy to execute my agendas for others, but can never seem to live up to my personal expectations. I am crippled by the need to be perfect. I know, you are probably thinking, just like I do, "Get a REAL problem". I realize this is so trivial and there could be much worse, this is something I can easily control. But I can't, and haven't, and that is what is so damn frustrating!
There are many things I need to learn to do:
1. Accept things are NEVER going to be perfect
2. Fully accept that anything worth doing takes time. This applies to doing things for myself. Instead being upset about no longer being a size 4 and only looking at the bigger picture, I need to take it slowly and realize I need this time for myself to feel healthy and look better. Will I ever be 25 pounds lighter? Hopefully, but I need to feel better about myself regardless.
3. Learn how to really bond with my husband. He tried to be supportive. But he speaks man (sports, half listening, cold hard facts with a laissez faire attitude) where as I speak woman (analytical, emotional with sometimes irrational realism). At times, it makes me feel completely alone.
4. I need to take time to talk to and meet up with friends. We are all busy in our lives, but I truly miss the conversation, laughs and support we provide one another.
I guess if I can't do these things for myself, I need to think of it as doing it for my family. I guess the saying is true...If Mama ain't happy, than nobody's happy!
No comments:
Post a Comment